Saints, Pats To Not Meet In Super Bowl

The National Football League’s Conference Championship games were played Sunday, and to everyone’s surprise and disappointment, the New Orleans Saints will not be playing the New England Patriots.

The Saints, coming back from a trying season last year in which their city was ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, saw their Super Bowl hopes fade first.  They were followed a few hours later by the Patriots, whose boyishly handsome quarterback Tom Brady and certified genius head coach Bill Belichick couldn’t put together one last game-winning drive in the final seconds of their game. 

 ”I was looking forward to facing off against The Greatest Football Team of the Decade™, the New England Patriots,” first-year Saints head coach Sean Payton said, “but then it got ruined.  Just think what this could have meant for the city of New Orleans.  What a great story it would have been.  Bono called me earlier to tell me how disappointed he was.  He said he’s going to think twice before he plays another 45-minute pre-game all-star concert in New Orleans.  Thanks a lot, Chicago.”

Belichick echoed Payton’s sentiments, saying, “The Greatest Football Dynasty In the Last Twenty Years™ would have relished the opportunity to face off against these fresh-faced-yet-spunky upstarts.  Mother Nature may have beaten them down, but they popped right back up.  Who knows what would have happened when Sean Payton’s ‘never say die’ attitude clashed with my cool intellect?  They would have been making movies about it with Gene Hackman and Matthew McConaughey for years.  But noooooooo!”

 Sports commentators from around the country showed their anger about Sunday’s results by making only brief mention of Sunday’s winning teams, if they made any mention of them at all. 

“This is so stupid,” said CBS commentator Boomer Esiason, humorously wearing Belichick’s trademark cutoff sweatshirt, “Who has even heard of the stupid Colts or the gay Bears?  God, where are they even from?  They’re all from Dullsville if you ask me.  Ooh!  Peyton Manning has almost every passing record in league history!  Ooh, the head coaches are black!  Who cares?  Everyone knows the other two teams are way cooler.  I mean, can Tony Dungy even spell ‘Belichick’?  Probably not, ’cause Belichick is like, a super-genius.  The Colts probably cheated, anyway.  The cops should totally check it out.  I’m gonna try to make it so the Colts don’t even get their games shown on TV next season.  Take that, perfect-game ruiners!”

Disappointed NFL commissioner Roger Goodel was at the Patriots game, and spoke to the media after the loss:

“Hey, guys!  Some horse team and some bear team are playing some football game in two weeks!  Whoopty shit!  Sure, we could have seen first-year Saints hero Drew Brees throw a career-defining game-winning touchdown over the outstretched arms of defensive pass-gobbler Asante Samuel to courageous, playing-with-an-injury-despite-his-doctor’s-pleas veteran wide receiver Joe Horn, but instead we get to watch the two teams who had the best record throughout most of the season play a well-executed, well-coached game.  Man, that’s really a great trade-off.  No, I’m happy that we secretly anointed Tedi Bruschi ’Official NFL Christ-Figure’ and he’s not even playing in the game this year!  I’m sure that Bob Sanders guy from the Colts has a really great backstory!  No?  He’s just a really good football player who hits people really hard and rarely makes mistakes?  Well fuck me, Frank Sinatra!  That’s REALLY gonna draw in women aged 35 to 60!  I’d call off the fucking game, but there are stupid contracts we signed that we can’t back out of, or else we’ll be sued for billions of dollars.  Whatever.  I guess I’ll see you guys at the Sleeper Bowl.”

Lame Cyborg Sent Back From Disappointing Future

After weeks of testing, Carnegie Mellon University robotics engineers have determined that a part-human, part-robot being which claims to be sent from the future is indeed telling the truth. 

HVAC-38, which possesses a human head and a somewhat crude mechanical body resembling a prop in the 1986 movie Short Circuit, has nevertheless proven to be what Carnegie Mellon professor and robotics expert Dr. William Markham describes as “the painfully real thing” and “a huge disappointment.”

 ”When we were first contacted by HVAC-38, we thought it was just a really unfunny joke being played on us by the guys in the robotics department over at M.I.T.  We hung up on  him several times and got increasingly short with him.” said Dr. Markham.  “I mean, who would think that a cyborg from Earth’s future would have to contact us over the phone?  Add to that the fact that HVAC-38 speaks in this tinny, almost fake-sounding ‘robot voice,’ and you can understand our disbelief.”  

They soon found out that it was not a joke, however, when the being from the future caught a bus to their laboratory and offered to prove his authenticity.   Rather than being able to rely on any sort of advanced computing ability or as-yet-unimagined nanotechnology as proof of his story, the cyborg brought with him a notebook with box scores from that evening’s NBA games scrawled in it. 

“He handed us this ratty notebook with the basketball scores in it, and told us to ‘Wait for games to be played, past humans.’” said Dr. Markham, ”So we waited, and sure enough, all of the scores were right, down to the number of turnovers and assists each of the players had.  Despite his appearance, we were still quite excited about the possibilities at that point.  I wish we had known better.”

HVAC-38 went on to explain that he had been sent back by his creator to pass along a top-secret message to a person he refused to identify.  Being worn out from his travels, however, he opted to stay at the Harvard laboratory overnight to “recharge.”

Dr. Marham explained, “When we found out we would have an entire night to ask him questions about Earth’s future, we were elated.  We quickly began to discover, however, that this would probably be the last time any of were ever elated again.  First off, when he said ‘recharge,’ we all thought he just needed a few minutes to let his self-replicating atomic energy cell or whatever refill itself.  But no.  He plugged himself into the wall.  It wasn’t even a three-pronged plug.”

The cyborg began to describe the time he came from, the year 2347, from the standpoint of his creator.  “He started talking about, and I’m quoting here, how ‘the regular working guy gets screwed while lazy poor bastards live the high life.’  He was talking about how his creator makes a more-than-ample income, but resents having to pay a marginally greater income tax than those earning less.  It turns out that in the future, because of global warming, being a heating and air conditioning expert is the equivalent of being a brain surgeon now,” Markham continued, ”Only not, because it still requires about the same amount of schooling as a dental hygienist.  So these guys get paid even more ridiculous sums than they get now for standing in your laundry room and tightening a screw with their ass hanging out.  But since everyone in the future is apparently a completely worthless retard, these guys are treated like kings.”

Because of temperature extremes twenty degrees above what we currently experience in summer and twenty degrees below that in winter, many of the nation’s future disadvantaged require federal assistance to pay their energy bills.  The cyborg’s creator apparently despises that, and has strong opinions about other social issues. 

“When he finally shut up about taxes, he started railing on about homosexuals, of all things,” Markham said.  “He said that some humans want to share the ’sacrament of marriage’ despite the fact that they are in relationships with people of the same gender.  Only he didn’t put it like that.  No, he said ‘Fudge packers and dykes want to wave their rainbow flag in master’s face, but he just reminds them that the Lord will judge them and send them to Hell for all eternity.’  Three hundred and forty years in the future, and this is how people act.  Fuck.”

Further adding to the scientists’ disillusionment was the cyborg’s answer to their question about being able to stave off the effects of greenhouse gases. 

“We asked if there was anything that they discovered in his time that could halt the effects of global warming, and he said they stopped studying it sometime in the late 2100’s,” Markham continued, ”As it turns out, when all of the country’s money started redistributing to the heating and air conditioning people, financial support for academia plummeted to nothing.  By the time HVAC-38 was created, the only form of education left was stock-car racing websites.  And get this: not only were all of the universities abandoned, they were soon demolished and replaced with race tracks.  Primary schools became strip malls and overlarge Applebee’s.  So not only will my family’s long line of academics ultimately end, but my great-great-great-great grandchildren will all be a bunch of fat, idiotic NASCAR fans.” 

After a night of sobering realizations for the scientists, HVAC-38 set off to deliver his message. 

“We discovered pretty quickly that this thing wasn’t very bright, so we attached a not-entirely-small listening device to his back and followed him to his destination” said Markham. “He goes about 30 miles out of the city and pulls into this government housing project.  Then he sits in the parking lot for probably 10 minutes trying to figure out which apartment he’s looking for, when a shirtless drunk guy comes out and starts yelling at him.  After a few tense seconds, the robot figures out that THIS is the guy he’s looking for, and tells him that he has a message for him.  Then he pulls out, and I almost shit myself when I saw this, a TAPE DECK.  An old, rectangular, black tape deck.  I guess in the future, that’s considered a technology they really needed to bring back.  Anyway, he hits play and this muffled voice with a southern accent explains to the shirtless guy that he needs to make friends with some guy named Reb Cordweather, because he is the great whatever grandfather of the cyborg’s creator’s favorite NASCAR driver.  I guess he figured that if he got his ancestor to get in with him now, he would be best buddies with his hilljack icon or something.”

“In the future, that’s what motivates someone to figure out time travel.  I’m going to go shoot myself.”

Discovered Skull Suggests Human-Neanderthal Link; Partially Explains What The Hell Is Wrong With Those People At Wal-Mart

(Contains excerpts from Randolph E. Schmid’s ABC News story.) 

A skull found in a cave in Romania includes features of both modern humans and Neanderthals, possibly suggesting that the two may have interbred thousands of years ago.

This is welcome news to the small pecentage of Wal-Mart shoppers who previously couldn’t understand why all attempts to communicate with their fellow shoppers were met with grunts and sullen, confused stares. 

The skull was found in Pestera cu Oase the Cave with Bones in southwestern Romania, along with other human remains. Radiocarbon dating indicates it is at least 35,000 years old and may be more than 40,000 years old.  This surprised the team which discovered the skull, as one member said, “I swear, a guy who looked just like this bashed my knee with his cart at Wal-Mart the other day.  Son of a bitch didn’t even apologize.  God, I hate that fucking place.  Why do we buy our supplies there, again?”                           

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Retail archaeologist Sandra Collins explained that, for those who otherwise never see what is described as the “lowest tier of the lower class,” a simple trip to a discount store can be a painfully educational experience.  “These ‘people,’ while semi-functional in society, may still not have learned basic human social mores such as bathing, dressing properly, or any speech beyond the most basic of phrases.  For instance, most people understand that if you’re going to stand in the aisle and look at fucking soup cans for 45 minutes, you should probably move your goddamned cart so other people can get around your foul, urine-stinking ass.  These creatures lack that instinct.”

This is easily the most important discovery in retail archaeology since scientists found the remains of an ancient Service Merchandise in Dayton two years ago.  Long thought to be a mythical place, the forgotten retailer now serves as the National Institute of Retail Archaeology’s headquarters.  They also have a snack bar with one of those swirling red and blue Icee machines, which the lady behind the counter will let you sample.  But you can’t, because your mom is convinced that everyone on Earth is trying to poison you.

Manning On Pace To Break Marino’s Embarrassing Product Endorsement Record

In a move foreshadowed by years of poor decisionmaking by his agent as well as himself, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning held a press conference with Tennessee Titans officials today, announcing his new position as the official spokesperson of the franchise.

 

“Peyton brings two very important things to the table in this role: an almost unrivaled amount of experience using his well-known face to sell products, as well as a complete and utter lack of shame.  Though he may be our worst enemy two weeks a year, from now on he will be our best friend the other fifty,” said Titans owner Bud Adams. 

Manning seemed unconcerned about any conflict of interest with the Colts, who are a divisional rival of the Titans and one of his 168 other employers, saying “I played for Tennessee in college, and nobody said a word when Indy drafted me.  This is just my way of giving back to the state that supported me during 4 very important years in my development as an omnipresent- hold on a minute, my Sprint cellphone is ringing.  Hello?  Hi, honey.  Ooh, I can hear you so clearly!  Yes, I remembered to drink a bottle of delicious and refreshing Gatorade thirst quencher before the press conference.  Of course I paid for it with my MasterCard, are you kidding?  Otherwise my interest rates would be through the roof!  Well, I picked it up at our convenient local Marsh supermarket, which was made even more convenient by the Reeboks I was wearing.  DirecTV.  Bye, honey.  Uh, what were we talking about?  Right.  The Titans thing.  Can we wrap this up?  I’ve got a Preparation H commercial to shoot later.” 

At his current rate of endorsement signings, Manning will overtake current recordholder Dan Marino in February of 2008.  Marino has held the record since 1995, when he controversially resigned as spokesman for Isotoner gloves to work for competitor Portolano because Marino said they were “way more manly.”  

If Manning catches Marino in endorsements, the only record Marino can hope to keep safe from Manning is the mark for the lowest number of big games won by a member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. 

Coach K Finally Makes An Honest Woman Out Of Dickie V

After all these years of flirting, games of grab-ass, and massive overstatements about the quality of the Duke University basketball program, Mike Krzyzewski finally popped the question to Dick Vitale last week.  Though not announced immediately, it came as no surprise to fans of college basketball who get sick of hearing about what a beautiful, beautiful human being Coach K is.  Dick said yes, of course, and the two were wed at halftime of Saturday’s Duke/Virginia Tech game.  Chimps of Destiny was awarded exclusive rights to the first wedding picture:

When asked about the nuptuals, Vitale said, “I tell you what.  It is ridiculous to me that Indiana University hasn’t renamed Assembly Hall the Robert Montgomery Knight Hall.  There has been no better coach in the history of all sports, barring of course my husband.  As a matter of fact, I would be married to that man right now if he were straight.  After a decade of my clearly unwanted sexual advances, however, we haven’t spoken much these last few years.  Call me, Bobby!  Call me, General!”
Coach K, after hearing the comments, then said, “Oh, you big cheater!” and the two proceeded to engage in a tickle-fight. 

http://www.top-blogs.com/cgi-bin/rankem.cgi?id=Swampy

Mighty Marfan Power Ranger

I don’t mean to be a dick, but does Greg Oden from Ohio State’s basketball team have Marfan Syndrome with a side of Progeria or what?  That dude is 19 years old, and he looks like he should be attending his own Pro Basketball Hall of Fame induction, talking about how much better the game was before they used backboards and shit. 

Even more curious is his team picture this year.  Here he is with his coach, Thad Matta:

 

Do you see what I’m talking about?  I’m just saying if you make Robert Wadlow
look like Muggsy Bogues, you should see a geneticist or something.  Bro’s heart’s gonna go out if he’s not careful. 

Real M****f***in’ G’s Don’t Milk They Fans

I’m a big music fan. I realize that when I phrase it like that, the sentence carries about the same weight as an effeminate opera lover in slacks and sweater vest telling his redneck in-laws at a family barbecue that he’s a “big sports fan,” but there’s really no other way to say that your musical tastes are moderately eclectic without sounding like an enormous cockass. And believe it or not, that cumbersome-assed sentence is the best way to explain the fact that, for the last 17 of my nearly 29 years on this planet, my pasty, scrawny, redheaded ass has been a huge N.W.A. fan. (if you’re the type of person who would try to make some sort of wisecrack about Northwest Airlines at this point, get the fuck off my Interwebs.)Anyway, I was browsing the CDs at the local music-snob-tronic college record store (if you live near a university, you know the type: try to buy anything but the new Yo La Tengo album and the horn-rimmed cocksmoker behind the counter looks at you like you’ve got Down Syndrome and you just ate your own turd) yesterday when out of the corner of my little eye I noticed what appeared to be yet another N.W.A. Greatest Hits compilation. “No,” I thought, “surely they realized that their ability to successfully repackage the same 12 songs expired with N.W.A. Presents: Street Knowledge, a Remixed and Remastered Restrospective on the Life and Times of the Original Gangstas: Kidz Bop! Version Volume 8.”

I was wrong. Looking at the back, I saw that sure enough, it was the same 12 or so “hits” that never saw the light of radio. Not that radio play is a determination of the greatness of the songs; I appreciate the fact that the band’s managers understood that a cleaned up version of “Just Don’t Bite It” on my local pop station might lose the group some valuable street cred. That’s why Dr. Dre is still a celebrity, and Heavy D is just Dwight Myers. But what else is this? A DVD? With Ice Cube interviews from the early 90’s, before he split from the group and started making songs about hating jews and MC Ren and Eazy-E engaging in anal coitus? Ooh! The “street version” of the Straight Outta Compton video? Uh, 2 more videos that I never knew existed? More interviews? MC Ren talking about… something? New content, justifying my 18th purchase of these songs?

Okay, even though it’s probably about 12 minutes long, I still want the goddamned DVD. The set’s probably only 12 bucks, right? Re-buy the CD and I get a free DVD, right?

No. It’s $22.99.

Fuck you greedy bitches. I’m gonna go listen to some Dwight Myers.

“Now that we found love what are we gonna do…”

“With iiiiit?”

Swampy’s Retarded Criminals

I don’t know about everybody else, but my favorite part of the newspaper is the hilarious “News of the Weird” or “Dumb Criminals” feature. Why it’s squirreled away in the entertainment section and only printed once a week is beyond me! So for anyone out there like me, who just can’t get enough of those wacky crime stories, I’ve decided to use all the resources at the Chimps Research Department’s disposal to make my own compilation! Enjoy!

Retarded Criminal #1

This stupid Irish fucker thought that he could come to the Greatest Country in the World and steal OUR MONEY!!! Go chomp on a potato, limey! At least I think they can be called limeys… Maybe that’s just the English. Anyway, AMERICA WINS AGAIN!!! Ha ha! Don’t they teach you that you’re not supposed to rob banks in Ireland? Maybe he ran out of gold in his pot at the end of the rainbow! What a retard! 

Retarded Criminal #2

Some stupid-ass bum tried messing with one of our boys in blue, and the cop straight head-butted his ass into the ground! Sure, the officer almost lost his badge, but what do you expect with pussy liberals running the government now? If you ask ol’ Swampy, cops should be able to beat on whoever they want, especially bums! If you’re not doing anything wrong, you don’t have anything to worry about! (Of course, try explaining that to some pot-smoking liberal law professor. Most of them look like bums anyway!) Retarded Criminal of the Day:

Some guy named Hugo Alberto Something-Or-Other-Ez got busted in Iowa for driving a car with 222 POUNDS OF MARIJUANA in it! Hey, stupid! Don’t you know that marijuana is illegal? What a dumbass! What’s he gonna do, smoke it all, like Cheech and Chong? Ha! I think both of those guys would have a hard time smoking that much! I know what you’re saying, the news story says he pleaded “not guilty” to the charges aginst him. HELLO! Look at his name! It’s not like we’re talking about some blue-haired granny here, he’s obviously Mexican! I can’t believe our liberal judges even waste time on filth like this. Transporting that much of an intraveneous drug across state lines, and being MEXICAN! He would go straight to the gallows in Swampytown. What a maroon!

Well, that wraps it up for this episode of Swampy’s Retarded Criminals. Just remember, folks: there are a lot of laws out there! If you break one, you must be a retard!

Dr. Computer

Dearest Readers,
It has recently come to my attention that a large number of people are having trouble adapting to the widespread use of computers in daily life. As a public service, I have decided to include in Chimps of Destiny an occasional question-and-answer feature about this wonderful and terrible device. If you have any questions you would like answered in the future, please send me an “e-message.” Please understand that due to the large volume of responses I expect, I may not be able to reply to every “e-message.”

Dear Dr. Computer,
My 16-year-old stepdaughter, who I will refer to as “Gorth,” has developed some odd habits when she uses the computer. She will lock herself in her room with our golden retriever, who I will refer to as “Andrew,” for hours. Even stranger, she takes our jar of extra-creamy peanut butter with her, and often eats the entire thing in one sitting! Well, I can’t really say that SHE eats it, because it’s “Andrew” who has the peanut butter all over his mouth when she finally opens the door. To make matters even stranger, she has developed a sudden, odd interest in hot dogs. She eats at least two packages a week, but we never see her eating them, and she never uses a bun!
I thought that a couple of the websites that I found on her computer may help me unravel this mystery, but I’ve never heard of “hotdogtwat.com” or “pbpuppysnootch.net.”
Dr. Computer, I’m afraid that “Gorth” may be developing bad eating habits so she can “fit in” with her Web Friends. How can I use her love of the “computernets” to get her back on the nutritional straight-and-narrow?
Sincerely,
Dog-gone Confused in Dayton

Dearest Dog-gone,
In a strange twist of fate, I actually attended high school with a girl who was called “Hot Dog Twat” by some of the other boys. I din’t know what it meant at the time, but she didn’t seem to like it very much.
From what I can tell, “twat” is just another slang term for “enthusiast.” In hindsight, I wish I had been brave enough to go up to ol’ Hot Dog Twat in high school and let her know that her love of America’s favorite sausage was nothing to be ashamed of.
In your case, I would recommend a subtle approach. Try sitting around your family den with a pack of frankfurters next time your daughter comes home from school. When she sees you, give her a big hug and say, “How’s my little Hot Dog Twat?” Letting her know that you are accepting of her taste for franks should loosen her up a bit. This will give you a good opportunity to engage her in a conversation about the health benefits of a varied diet. Tell her that while she may enjoy the feeling that hot dogs give her, cramming herself full of them just isn’t healthy.
The peanut butter is another issue entirely. Peanut butter is packed with protein and other nutrients. She clearly enjoys sharing this healthful treat with her old pal “Andrew,” so I recommend letting it go. Developing a love for animals is important at her age. I suggest leaving her alone when she shuts herself in her room, except to offer the occasional refill for her jar of “P.B.”
Teens often do things in front of the computer that we may find a bit odd, but when you get down to the root of it, they’re just learning about themselves.
Good luck to you and Hot Dog Twat!
-Dr. Computer