Hi, everyone. My name is John Kreese, and I’m the former owner of a successful karate dojo in California. Now, however, I’m a motivational speaker and life skills coach, and Swampy has asked that I contribute occasionally to his little home page or whatever the fuck this thing is. So that’s what I’m doing. I’ll poke my head in whenever I feel like it and let you people know how to be happy, or at least not be fucking wimps.
Anyway, if you’re sitting on your lumpy ass and reading this, I’m pretty sure we have your first problem figured out. Wanna know a secret of my trade? Don’t tell anyone else, it’s absolutely confidential. Ready?
IF ALL YOU DO IS LOOK AT INTERNET PAGES ALL DAY, YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO AMOUNT TO SHIT.
Pretty shocking, huh? Yeah, I bet you’re sitting in your fatty-modified king-sized desk chair, reading and rereading that last statement over and over again, Cheeto and Jolly Rancher drool collecting in your patchy chin fuzz.
When I was in my twenties, I traveled the United States and kicked the shit out of people for money. No, I wasn’t a criminal, I was a Martial Fucking Artist. I used to stomp on other guys’ nutsacks, go out for some lobster with a nice piece of trim, and 30 minutes later I’d be up to my nuts in the bitch’s guts. I’m not so young anymore, so I can’t be quite as brash, but I could fuck the shit out of your mom if I wanted to. The Kreesenator does what he wants, when he wants to.
Anyway, what the fuck was I talking about? Computers or something? Shit, I forgot. Don’t do drugs, and don’t take shit from anyone. Unless you’re a pussy, in which case you should probably just take it. Fighting back isn’t gonna help, it’s probably just gonna piss off the guy who’s already kicking your ass, and make him want to kick your ass more. You’d really just be better off moving somewhere else, like New Jersey. I only knew one kid from New Jersey, and he was a massive pussy.
Sincerely,
John Kreese
