A Public Service Message About Littering

New Music Spotlight: Sven Diagram

(I’m introducing a new feature to the site!  In New Music Spotlight, I’ll focus on a new artist I’ve discovered so you can be all “Man, Swampy knows his shit!”  Because OMG I totally do.)

Sometime in 2006, Sven Eriksson was working on his groundbreaking hip-hop style in his hometown of Ulricehamn, Sweden, when his phone rang.  It was his boss.

“Sven, you haven’t been coming to work lately.  You’re fired,” he said in Swedish.

“Fine!  I am going to be big rap star anyway,” Sven probably fired back.

So began what is sure to be one of the most well-known rap stories since Eminem’s rise to fame with that guy from the Dawn of the Dead remake, and also fucking that chick from Clueless in the factory.  Since getting fired, Sven has had to endure the death of his estranged father, the inheritence of his massive estate, an unexpected move to the United States, and getting all kinds of trim even though he’s tubby and kind of a douche.  He raps under the name Sven Diagram, a name he came up with when he was using an online rhyming dictionary.

“This college girls, they are like whores, because all you are doing is pay money to have sex!” he says as a semi-attractive girl writhes drunkenly in his lap.  “This is probably going to be in next rap song!”

And so it is.  The next day, he stumbles down the stairs to his basement studio, and begins to write the first of what are sure to be some truly hard-hitting lyrics:

“The bitches they like it/ when I drop the rap shit/ they like to drunk/ make the crunk.”

Okay, you know what?  Fuck this shit.  This tubby, rich douche was gonna buy some ads on the site, but I can’t sink this low.  Dude, you’re a tubby douche.  You can’t “drunk.”  You don’t “make crunk.”  Those chicks you screw aren’t even hot.  You’re 35 and you hang out with frat boys, who only hang out with you because you buy them coke.

Chimps readers, you’re saved from ads once again.  This blog may not be very good, but it’s better than Sven Diagram.