By Stump Sisson
“Klan don’t show up for a few years and people say the Klan is dead. Fact is, it just looks dead. The Klan has always been right there under the surface just waiting for the opportunity to deliver God’s justice.”
-Me, A Time to Kill (1996)
Hello, my name is Stump Sisson, and I am the Grand Dragon of the Greater Mississippi state chapter of the Ku Klux Klan. I’ll start this off by saying that the rumors of my death that have sprung up since I was attacked with a molotov cocktail a few years ago are completely untrue. Well, mostly untrue. It’s true that my heart stopped, that I was covered in burns from head to toe, and that I’m not entirely sure how I woke up completely intact in my coffin a decade later, or how I mustered the strength to claw out of my grave. Point is, Stump don’t show up for a few years and people say Stump is dead. Fact is, he just looks dead. Stump has always been right there under the surface just waiting for the opportunity to deliver God’s justice.
I am a voice for the beleaguered white man in America, the most endangered minority the world has seen since the white Protestant Christian man lost his battle to the Papists in the 1950s. It also bears mentioning that, per the agreement I signed with this site’s administrator, I can’t use any racial slurs to describe the filth that’s ruining this damn country for the whites. It may sound at times like I’m describing the cleaning of a dirty sink, but I assure you that I’m actually talking about cleaning all the non-whites out of this country. Unless I do talk about cleaning a sink, that is, but I’ll be sure to clarify if I think there’s any kind of confusion.
Well, I suppose I’ll get to talking about the subject at hand, and that’s the recent labelling of good, God-fearing white Americans as “extremists” by the Thief-in-Chief and his administration. I won’t go into my beliefs about this monster’s legitimacy as President of the United States, but I could rant for hours about that one. Instead, I’ll say this: since when does owning a gun and making plans to exact moral vengeance on a country full of foul-blooded usurpers make someone an extremist?
Take the Klan, for example. Within a mere century, the Klan has gone from the greatest political power in the country to a genteel, race-specific social club for the politically active Southern rural caucasian-American. Now, I’m not happy that we’ve lost that political sway, but there’s something to be said about being the power behind the throne. Somehow, though, our loss of clout has led to a bit of nasty name-calling on the part of the liberal race traitors who disagree with some of our basic tenets. They call us racists, Nazis (not true), rednecks (mostly untrue), backwards, meanies, and most insulting of all, extremists.
Is it extreme to think that this country, and the rest of the world, should be rebuilt and reorganized based on the racial purity of certain people via an earth-scorching global race war? Is it extreme to think that there is nothing more important than the color of a person’s skin, barring albinism and other hexes? Is it extreme to advocate the murder of those who disagree with us, and whoever else is in the blast radius? Is it extreme to actively seek out the least-sane members of society to join our concerned, well-armed social club? If dreaming of naught but rage-filled, blood-soaked orgies of racially-motivated mayhem on those few nights when the white-hot anger in my soul is dulled enough by grain spirits for me to catch a few hours of sleep makes me an extremist in this country, I can’t say that I’m entirely sure it’s the country I think it is.
The Klan: like the Shriners, only with burning crosses instead of little cars.
People look at the fellow who gunned down the abortion doctor and the other guy who shot up the Holocaust Museum and say, “That’s not right; they were extremists” But when you think about it, those were just like any other crime, motivated by any other reason. It’s like when a member of an inferior race shoots up a gas station because his animal brain doesn’t know what’s going on, or when another member of another inferior race drives drunk and kills a family in a wreck. These things happen. What’s really “not right” is that there’s an entire museum dedicated to the greatest hoax the world has ever known, or that women can just go have sex willy-nilly and not expect to be punished by the Good Lord with a baby!
Finally, people always talk about Timothy McVeigh. Yes, I think he was right to do what he did. And yes, he blew up a building full of innocent civilians because of his moderate-to-intense feelings of discomfort with the direction the country was heading. But what about the Muslim and 9/11? That was way worse. Well, I hear it was. I was taking what I call my “dirt nap” when that happened, so I didn’t catch it.
So, my fellow Americans, this is the bottom line: don’t be afraid of ol’ Stump Sisson and the Ku Klux Klan. We may be armed to the teeth with weapons that aren’t even legal in Turkey, where the government is about as effective as alcohol prohibition in backwoods Alabama, but we mean you no harm. Unless you’re not white, not Protestant, not conservative, or you voted for that God damned Obama. So I guess the chances are pretty good that we do actually mean you harm.
But it’s not because we’re extremists.
I never thought I was the kind of guy who sat around thinking about shit. I always figured that sort of thing was something pussies did instead of kicking ass, or as a direct result of getting their ass kicked. But here I am, sitting in my crib, constipating my mortality.
