NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced this week that star quarterback Michael Vick, who was released from prison recently after pleading guilty to federal charges related to his involvement in a dog fighting ring, will be “kinda” reinstated.
Just- just- dammit, I...
“Michael Vick is an exciting player, there’s no doubt,” Goodell told reporters. “Of course, he also promoted dog fighting, which is widely viewed as totally unacceptable, heinous and cruel. I mean, who the fuck still fights dogs? Was it Gangs of New York day at the Vick house? On the other hand, though, he already served his time in prison, and Tony Dungy’s throwing his “God and forgiveness” shit at me with both barrels of the Jesus gun, so…”
Goodell’s stammering, stream-of-consciousness statements continued: “I don’t want anyone to think that Michael is being singled out, because that could lead to some ugly racism allegations. You know what I mean? But I really don’t want to go too easy on him, either, because then I’ll be accused of pandering to the league’s superstars. God dammit.”
According to Goodell, in his three years as league commissioner he has been responsible for determining appropriate actions in response to several ball-twisting clusterfucks, including some that King Solomon would get an effing migraine trying to figure out.
“I actually thought the Pacman Jones thing was as bad as it would get,” he continued. “What a joke. I’d give my left ass cheek to trade this Vick crap for another nightclub shooting. Don’t even get me started on the Spygate bullshit. Anyway, I think what’s gonna happen is that he can practice immediately with whoever signs him, which someone had better fucking do, because I’m not going through this shit for nothing. So he can practice immediately, but he can’t play right off the bat. I guess. What do you guys think? Five-week suspension? Six? Six it is. Thanks, Paolantonio. Nice to see someone’s willing to help a guy out. Jesus.”
When asked about preseason games, Goodell became even more agitated: “FUCK! I forgot about the preseason. See, this is why I want that shit gone! Anyway, uh… two games. Two fucking games. He can play in the last two.”
He then began to walk away from the podium, but quickly turned around for one final statement.
“So help me god, if either Manning so much as clogs a toilet at Chili’s, I’m gonna go full-bore, capital-’A', capital-’S’ Ape Shit on them. I’m serious. Now if you’ll excuse me, I just got a text from my administrative assistant. Something about Ben Roethlisberger.”
