After weeks of testing, Carnegie Mellon University robotics engineers have determined that a part-human, part-robot being which claims to be sent from the future is indeed telling the truth.
HVAC-38, which possesses a human head and a somewhat crude mechanical body resembling a prop in the 1986 movie Short Circuit, has nevertheless proven to be what Carnegie Mellon professor and robotics expert Dr. William Markham describes as “the painfully real thing” and “a huge disappointment.”
”When we were first contacted by HVAC-38, we thought it was just a really unfunny joke being played on us by the guys in the robotics department over at M.I.T. We hung up on him several times and got increasingly short with him.” said Dr. Markham. “I mean, who would think that a cyborg from Earth’s future would have to contact us over the phone? Add to that the fact that HVAC-38 speaks in this tinny, almost fake-sounding ‘robot voice,’ and you can understand our disbelief.”
They soon found out that it was not a joke, however, when the being from the future caught a bus to their laboratory and offered to prove his authenticity. Rather than being able to rely on any sort of advanced computing ability or as-yet-unimagined nanotechnology as proof of his story, the cyborg brought with him a notebook with box scores from that evening’s NBA games scrawled in it.
“He handed us this ratty notebook with the basketball scores in it, and told us to ‘Wait for games to be played, past humans.’” said Dr. Markham, ”So we waited, and sure enough, all of the scores were right, down to the number of turnovers and assists each of the players had. Despite his appearance, we were still quite excited about the possibilities at that point. I wish we had known better.”
HVAC-38 went on to explain that he had been sent back by his creator to pass along a top-secret message to a person he refused to identify. Being worn out from his travels, however, he opted to stay at the Harvard laboratory overnight to “recharge.”
Dr. Marham explained, “When we found out we would have an entire night to ask him questions about Earth’s future, we were elated. We quickly began to discover, however, that this would probably be the last time any of were ever elated again. First off, when he said ‘recharge,’ we all thought he just needed a few minutes to let his self-replicating atomic energy cell or whatever refill itself. But no. He plugged himself into the wall. It wasn’t even a three-pronged plug.”
The cyborg began to describe the time he came from, the year 2347, from the standpoint of his creator. “He started talking about, and I’m quoting here, how ‘the regular working guy gets screwed while lazy poor bastards live the high life.’ He was talking about how his creator makes a more-than-ample income, but resents having to pay a marginally greater income tax than those earning less. It turns out that in the future, because of global warming, being a heating and air conditioning expert is the equivalent of being a brain surgeon now,” Markham continued, ”Only not, because it still requires about the same amount of schooling as a dental hygienist. So these guys get paid even more ridiculous sums than they get now for standing in your laundry room and tightening a screw with their ass hanging out. But since everyone in the future is apparently a completely worthless retard, these guys are treated like kings.”
Because of temperature extremes twenty degrees above what we currently experience in summer and twenty degrees below that in winter, many of the nation’s future disadvantaged require federal assistance to pay their energy bills. The cyborg’s creator apparently despises that, and has strong opinions about other social issues.
“When he finally shut up about taxes, he started railing on about homosexuals, of all things,” Markham said. “He said that some humans want to share the ’sacrament of marriage’ despite the fact that they are in relationships with people of the same gender. Only he didn’t put it like that. No, he said ‘Fudge packers and dykes want to wave their rainbow flag in master’s face, but he just reminds them that the Lord will judge them and send them to Hell for all eternity.’ Three hundred and forty years in the future, and this is how people act. Fuck.”
Further adding to the scientists’ disillusionment was the cyborg’s answer to their question about being able to stave off the effects of greenhouse gases.
“We asked if there was anything that they discovered in his time that could halt the effects of global warming, and he said they stopped studying it sometime in the late 2100’s,” Markham continued, ”As it turns out, when all of the country’s money started redistributing to the heating and air conditioning people, financial support for academia plummeted to nothing. By the time HVAC-38 was created, the only form of education left was stock-car racing websites. And get this: not only were all of the universities abandoned, they were soon demolished and replaced with race tracks. Primary schools became strip malls and overlarge Applebee’s. So not only will my family’s long line of academics ultimately end, but my great-great-great-great grandchildren will all be a bunch of fat, idiotic NASCAR fans.”
After a night of sobering realizations for the scientists, HVAC-38 set off to deliver his message.
“We discovered pretty quickly that this thing wasn’t very bright, so we attached a not-entirely-small listening device to his back and followed him to his destination” said Markham. “He goes about 30 miles out of the city and pulls into this government housing project. Then he sits in the parking lot for probably 10 minutes trying to figure out which apartment he’s looking for, when a shirtless drunk guy comes out and starts yelling at him. After a few tense seconds, the robot figures out that THIS is the guy he’s looking for, and tells him that he has a message for him. Then he pulls out, and I almost shit myself when I saw this, a TAPE DECK. An old, rectangular, black tape deck. I guess in the future, that’s considered a technology they really needed to bring back. Anyway, he hits play and this muffled voice with a southern accent explains to the shirtless guy that he needs to make friends with some guy named Reb Cordweather, because he is the great whatever grandfather of the cyborg’s creator’s favorite NASCAR driver. I guess he figured that if he got his ancestor to get in with him now, he would be best buddies with his hilljack icon or something.”
“In the future, that’s what motivates someone to figure out time travel. I’m going to go shoot myself.”
