Goodell to Handle Vick Reinstatement as Awkwardly as Possible

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced this week that star quarterback Michael Vick, who was released from prison recently after pleading guilty to federal charges related to his involvement in a dog fighting ring, will be “kinda” reinstated.

Just- just- dammit, I...

“Michael Vick is an exciting player, there’s no doubt,” Goodell told reporters.  “Of course, he also promoted dog fighting, which is widely viewed as totally unacceptable, heinous and cruel.  I mean, who the fuck still fights dogs?  Was it Gangs of New York day at the Vick house?  On the other hand, though, he already served his time in prison, and Tony Dungy’s throwing his “God and forgiveness” shit at me with both barrels of the Jesus gun, so…”

Goodell’s stammering, stream-of-consciousness statements continued: “I don’t want anyone to think that Michael is being singled out, because that could lead to some ugly racism allegations.  You know what I mean?  But I really don’t want to go too easy on him, either, because then I’ll be accused of pandering to the league’s superstars.  God dammit.”

According to Goodell, in his three years as league commissioner he has been responsible for determining appropriate actions in response to several ball-twisting clusterfucks, including some that King Solomon would get an effing migraine trying to figure out.

“I actually thought the Pacman Jones thing was as bad as it would get,” he continued.  “What a joke.  I’d give my left ass cheek to trade this Vick crap for another nightclub shooting.  Don’t even get me started on the Spygate bullshit. Anyway, I think what’s gonna happen is that he can practice immediately with whoever signs him, which someone had better fucking do, because I’m not going through this shit for nothing.  So he can practice immediately, but he can’t play right off the bat.  I guess.  What do you guys think?  Five-week suspension?  Six?  Six it is.  Thanks, Paolantonio.  Nice to see someone’s willing to help a guy out.  Jesus.”

When asked about preseason games, Goodell became even more agitated: “FUCK!  I forgot about the preseason.  See, this is why I want that shit gone!  Anyway, uh… two games.  Two fucking games.  He can play in the last two.”

He then began to walk away from the podium, but quickly turned around for one final statement.

“So help me god, if either Manning so much as clogs a toilet at Chili’s, I’m gonna go full-bore, capital-’A', capital-’S’ Ape Shit on them.  I’m serious.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I just got a text from my administrative assistant.  Something about Ben Roethlisberger.”

New Madden Rival Hopes to Cough Up Football Fun

The Madden franchise has been the gold standard of NFL video games for almost five years, crushing the competition with acceptably realistic graphics, frustratingly complex controls, and a monopolistic exclusivity deal that guaranteed its place as the only NFL video game.

However, thanks to the bold dreams of a few clinically insane investors, the NFL is no longer the only full-field pro football league in the U.S.  The UFL (U-something Football League, probably) ostensibly kicks off sometime this year, and it promises to bring the sort of excitement that can only be found on a bunch of teams full of choke-happy has-beens whose high selection in the NFL draft still haunts the dreams of the now-unemployed general managers and coaches who selected them.

With that in mind, the league is collaborating with software designer Second Chance Games to create a UFL-licensed video game that accurately captures the bumbling confusion and reckless stupidity that’s sure to be present in every play.  When the time came to pick a face for the franchise, league officials wasted no time, quickly selecting former Buffalo Bills “quarterback” and current Las Vegas resident J.P. Losman for the honor.

“J.P. is the perfect choice,” said UFL commissioner Michael L. Huyghue.  “We feel that the most exciting play in football is the fumble, followed closely by the incomplete pass.  No quarterback I’ve ever seen has mastered these elements better than J.P.  I smell rotten eggs.  Do you smell rotten eggs?  Weird.”

Losman UFL 0-16 (the number represents what Losman calls “a perfect season”) is currently still in development, and is expected to be available just as soon as Huyghue finds a game publisher he can blackmail.

Wilt the Stiltcock

Take Heart, Football Fans

Unless you’re one of those subhuman cockwads known as “Patriots Fans,” you’ve probably been waiting at least five years to see Tom Brady get anally raped on-field by a freshly-concussed defensive lineman who thinks he’s at a party back in college.  It just doesn’t seem like it’s ever gonna happen, does it?  Considering the fact that Schaun Colby, the last player to sack Brady, was covertly removed from the NFL record book AND all of our memories by Roger Goodell and the CIA, it’s no surprise that linebackers aren’t jumping at the opportunity to hit him.

Fortunately, though, I’ve secured a Palantír from my homie Sauron (who is a big Bengals fan, strangely), and it looks like that model-screwing asswipe is going to wind up getting what’s coming to him.  Apparently a few seasons from now he’s going to take a shot in the kidney from current Iowa farmboy and future Hall of Fame safety Clyde Weatherston.  This leads to a lengthy hospitalization, painful rehab for Vicodin addiction, and an embarrassing comeback attempt for the Oneida Indigenous Peoples of the CFL Southern Development Annex.  Here’s a glimpse:

In Defense of the Big Bullies

I was originally planning on making a humorous post about the NCAA tournament, but my thought process was interrupted by the shrieking of whiny college basketball pundits about how little representation there was in this year’s field of 65 by teams from “mid-major” conferences. 

This is a subject I can rant about for days, but I’ll try to keep it short.  Most of you probably know that I’m a gi-fucking-normous Indiana fan, and with that comes an unintentional but nonetheless omnipresent arrogance when it comes to basketball.  When one of your earliest sports memories is Keith Smart hitting “The Shot” to seal up Indiana’s fifth national championship, it’s hard to be humble.  For the rest of your life. 

Anyway, I’ve read and heard any number of fuckwads bitching about how the Big Ten got 6 teams into the tournament this year, while significance-deficient schools like Appalachian State will be forced to go to the NIT. 

Well, uh, yeah.  The Big Ten is, like, the Big Ten.  You know, with teams that have made it to the Final Four since the three-point shot was introduced?  A bunch of them?  MULTIPLE TIMES?  Yeah, Michigan State didn’t have 32 wins like Dayton Western A&M did, but that’s because Michigan State had to play OTHER BIG TEN TEAMS ALL SEASON.  No offense, but if your conference schedule includes a home-and-away with the Rochester School for Blind Deaf-Mutes, your unblemished conference record isn’t all that impressive. 

I’m sorry, but unless a mid-major has proven it can run with the big boys 4 or 5 times, and nearly run the table in its weak conference, the only tournament it deserves to play in is the N.I.T.

It’s simple, folks: the most talented coaches and players go to the ACC, Big Ten, SEC, Big East, etc. This means that the mid-majors are usually leftovers and also-rans. Sure, you get an AJ Graves every once in a while, but by and large these teams have inflated win totals due to their incredibly weak schedules. Yes, 25 wins is impressive, and heck! they may even surprise a team like Indiana once or twice a year. That, however, is because the mid-major is playing like it’s the national fucking championship, and Indiana is playing like it’s a pick-up game. They call early-season games against nobodies like Indiana State “dangerous” not because Indiana State is a phenomenal team, but because they have been psychotically obsessing about that game against Indiana since it was scheduled 3 years ago, and IU only remembered to show up because that autistic kid that hit all those 3-pointers in high school is ISU’s starting point guard and “Radio” is their head coach.

It’s a cold, hard fact of life: some teams have it and some teams don’t. Automatic bids are there for a reason: weak conferences get their one weak team in per year. If you don’t play well enough to win your conference tournament, you don’t belong in the Big Dance. That big win you had against Indiana or Kentucky or Wisconsin in November doesn’t mean as much when you can’t beat the Missouri Western Christian A&M Tech State Fightin’ Drunk Injuns to punch your ticket to the tournament.

I know it’s fun to root for the little guy.  The sad fact of the matter is that the little guy doesn’t stand a chance anymore, and it takes all the fun out of the tournament for everyone else.  Just remember, would you rather see North Carolina beat the Barley Tech Whirlin’ Weevils by 42 in the Sweet 16, or would you rather see the Tarheels lose to Michigan State in 2 overtimes?  I prefer the latter.

I Believe These Deceased Patriots Belong To You

It took me a while, but I finally found someone who had a picture of it. Now that the warm glow of the Colts’ Super Bowl victory has subsided and Indianapolis athletes are going back to their favorite pastime of being arrested, I figured I’d remind everyone of the best thing to happen this NFL postseason.  Rather than write something myself, I’ll just link to the blog where I found it.  The guy that writes it is pretty damn funny, and appears to update about as often as I have lately.  Plus he doesn’t like MADD.  Before you go there, though, enjoy this:

Saints, Pats To Not Meet In Super Bowl

The National Football League’s Conference Championship games were played Sunday, and to everyone’s surprise and disappointment, the New Orleans Saints will not be playing the New England Patriots.

The Saints, coming back from a trying season last year in which their city was ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, saw their Super Bowl hopes fade first.  They were followed a few hours later by the Patriots, whose boyishly handsome quarterback Tom Brady and certified genius head coach Bill Belichick couldn’t put together one last game-winning drive in the final seconds of their game. 

 ”I was looking forward to facing off against The Greatest Football Team of the Decade™, the New England Patriots,” first-year Saints head coach Sean Payton said, “but then it got ruined.  Just think what this could have meant for the city of New Orleans.  What a great story it would have been.  Bono called me earlier to tell me how disappointed he was.  He said he’s going to think twice before he plays another 45-minute pre-game all-star concert in New Orleans.  Thanks a lot, Chicago.”

Belichick echoed Payton’s sentiments, saying, “The Greatest Football Dynasty In the Last Twenty Years™ would have relished the opportunity to face off against these fresh-faced-yet-spunky upstarts.  Mother Nature may have beaten them down, but they popped right back up.  Who knows what would have happened when Sean Payton’s ‘never say die’ attitude clashed with my cool intellect?  They would have been making movies about it with Gene Hackman and Matthew McConaughey for years.  But noooooooo!”

 Sports commentators from around the country showed their anger about Sunday’s results by making only brief mention of Sunday’s winning teams, if they made any mention of them at all. 

“This is so stupid,” said CBS commentator Boomer Esiason, humorously wearing Belichick’s trademark cutoff sweatshirt, “Who has even heard of the stupid Colts or the gay Bears?  God, where are they even from?  They’re all from Dullsville if you ask me.  Ooh!  Peyton Manning has almost every passing record in league history!  Ooh, the head coaches are black!  Who cares?  Everyone knows the other two teams are way cooler.  I mean, can Tony Dungy even spell ‘Belichick’?  Probably not, ’cause Belichick is like, a super-genius.  The Colts probably cheated, anyway.  The cops should totally check it out.  I’m gonna try to make it so the Colts don’t even get their games shown on TV next season.  Take that, perfect-game ruiners!”

Disappointed NFL commissioner Roger Goodel was at the Patriots game, and spoke to the media after the loss:

“Hey, guys!  Some horse team and some bear team are playing some football game in two weeks!  Whoopty shit!  Sure, we could have seen first-year Saints hero Drew Brees throw a career-defining game-winning touchdown over the outstretched arms of defensive pass-gobbler Asante Samuel to courageous, playing-with-an-injury-despite-his-doctor’s-pleas veteran wide receiver Joe Horn, but instead we get to watch the two teams who had the best record throughout most of the season play a well-executed, well-coached game.  Man, that’s really a great trade-off.  No, I’m happy that we secretly anointed Tedi Bruschi ’Official NFL Christ-Figure’ and he’s not even playing in the game this year!  I’m sure that Bob Sanders guy from the Colts has a really great backstory!  No?  He’s just a really good football player who hits people really hard and rarely makes mistakes?  Well fuck me, Frank Sinatra!  That’s REALLY gonna draw in women aged 35 to 60!  I’d call off the fucking game, but there are stupid contracts we signed that we can’t back out of, or else we’ll be sued for billions of dollars.  Whatever.  I guess I’ll see you guys at the Sleeper Bowl.”

Manning On Pace To Break Marino’s Embarrassing Product Endorsement Record

In a move foreshadowed by years of poor decisionmaking by his agent as well as himself, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning held a press conference with Tennessee Titans officials today, announcing his new position as the official spokesperson of the franchise.

 

“Peyton brings two very important things to the table in this role: an almost unrivaled amount of experience using his well-known face to sell products, as well as a complete and utter lack of shame.  Though he may be our worst enemy two weeks a year, from now on he will be our best friend the other fifty,” said Titans owner Bud Adams. 

Manning seemed unconcerned about any conflict of interest with the Colts, who are a divisional rival of the Titans and one of his 168 other employers, saying “I played for Tennessee in college, and nobody said a word when Indy drafted me.  This is just my way of giving back to the state that supported me during 4 very important years in my development as an omnipresent- hold on a minute, my Sprint cellphone is ringing.  Hello?  Hi, honey.  Ooh, I can hear you so clearly!  Yes, I remembered to drink a bottle of delicious and refreshing Gatorade thirst quencher before the press conference.  Of course I paid for it with my MasterCard, are you kidding?  Otherwise my interest rates would be through the roof!  Well, I picked it up at our convenient local Marsh supermarket, which was made even more convenient by the Reeboks I was wearing.  DirecTV.  Bye, honey.  Uh, what were we talking about?  Right.  The Titans thing.  Can we wrap this up?  I’ve got a Preparation H commercial to shoot later.” 

At his current rate of endorsement signings, Manning will overtake current recordholder Dan Marino in February of 2008.  Marino has held the record since 1995, when he controversially resigned as spokesman for Isotoner gloves to work for competitor Portolano because Marino said they were “way more manly.”  

If Manning catches Marino in endorsements, the only record Marino can hope to keep safe from Manning is the mark for the lowest number of big games won by a member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. 

Coach K Finally Makes An Honest Woman Out Of Dickie V

After all these years of flirting, games of grab-ass, and massive overstatements about the quality of the Duke University basketball program, Mike Krzyzewski finally popped the question to Dick Vitale last week.  Though not announced immediately, it came as no surprise to fans of college basketball who get sick of hearing about what a beautiful, beautiful human being Coach K is.  Dick said yes, of course, and the two were wed at halftime of Saturday’s Duke/Virginia Tech game.  Chimps of Destiny was awarded exclusive rights to the first wedding picture:

When asked about the nuptuals, Vitale said, “I tell you what.  It is ridiculous to me that Indiana University hasn’t renamed Assembly Hall the Robert Montgomery Knight Hall.  There has been no better coach in the history of all sports, barring of course my husband.  As a matter of fact, I would be married to that man right now if he were straight.  After a decade of my clearly unwanted sexual advances, however, we haven’t spoken much these last few years.  Call me, Bobby!  Call me, General!”
Coach K, after hearing the comments, then said, “Oh, you big cheater!” and the two proceeded to engage in a tickle-fight. 

http://www.top-blogs.com/cgi-bin/rankem.cgi?id=Swampy

Mighty Marfan Power Ranger

I don’t mean to be a dick, but does Greg Oden from Ohio State’s basketball team have Marfan Syndrome with a side of Progeria or what?  That dude is 19 years old, and he looks like he should be attending his own Pro Basketball Hall of Fame induction, talking about how much better the game was before they used backboards and shit. 

Even more curious is his team picture this year.  Here he is with his coach, Thad Matta:

 

Do you see what I’m talking about?  I’m just saying if you make Robert Wadlow
look like Muggsy Bogues, you should see a geneticist or something.  Bro’s heart’s gonna go out if he’s not careful.