After several years of intensive research and substance abuse, I have finally unearthed the famous person in my family tree that I just knew had to exist.
Who is he? Fittingly, he is the one and only Swampalicious Longsworth Wadfellow. 
I know what you’re saying: “Wow, the famous poet and translator of Dante’s Inferno?”
No, although their names DO sound quite similar. I have determined, from letters he sent to his longtime live-in girfriend Scataloria, that my great-great-great-great grandfather Swampalicious was the first person to tell Henry Wadsworth Longfellow that he should “totally take advantage of the fact that (his) name has ‘wad’ and ‘long fellow’ in it,” because, as he wrote, “dicks are hella funny.”
When Mr. Longfellow failed to see Grandfather Swampalicious’ genius, my grandfather took it upon himself to legally change his name so he could, as he put it, ”let people know that my dick is awesome.”
Here’s to you, Grandfather! I hope you’re proud of me! And my dick!
